My first introduction to assertiveness was through the Assertive Bill of Rights. There are several versions of the bill out there so keep searching until you find one that resonates with you. Basically, assertive communication is expressing your thoughts and emotions in a way that is respectful to you and respectful to me. What are the benefits cultivating assertive communication style? Too many to list! Here are the top benefits in my experience:
Self-esteem and Self-respect
Achieve goals
Make better decisions
When you finish reading I hope you feel inspired to observe your communication and identify how you are communicating. Let’s begin with the four types of communication and then we’ll get into some examples of each type.
Types of Communication
Assertive
Passive
Aggressive
Passive-Aggressive or Indirect Aggression
Now some examples (in reverse order of listing):
Passive-Aggressive Communicators say things like:
“I’m not mad” (but you are mad)
“You’ve done well for someone like you”
“I thought you were going to come and see me”
This type of communication can be described as: Sarcastic, Deceiving, Manipulating, and Guilt-Inducing
Aggressive Communicators say things like:
“Please do what I say”
“You’re Wrong”
“Why are you here?”
This type of communication can be described as: Bossy, Opinionated, Arrogant, and Overbearing
Passive Communicators say things like:
“You’re my boss and I’ll do what you say”
“Whatever the group decides”
“You know best”
“Yes, Dear”
This type of communication can be described as: Helpless, Apologetic, Indecisive, and Submissive
Assertive Communicators say things like:
“I respect you and would like you to respect me”
“I think you have a good idea. My idea is good too”
“I’m afraid you’re sitting in my seat, would you please let me have my seat?”
This type of communication can be described as: Direct, Honest, Accepting, and Responsible
Habit 5 in the book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” teaches assertive communication. The habit is “Seek First to Understand, Then be Understood.” The second half of that statement is just as important as the first- Be Understood. To only care about what the other person is thinking and feeling is to be passive. To only care about what you are thinking and feeling is to be aggressive. Right in the middle is assertiveness which cares about the thoughts and feelings of both people involved equally.
How can you start communicating more assertively? Now that you are more familiar with the types of communication, start listening for examples around you. Then become aware of the types of communication you use. The final step in the continuous process is to identify a pattern and aim for assertiveness. Changing your communication type will not happen overnight and it’s most certainly not a “one and done” change. It will require continuous self-awareness. But it can be easy. You just have to ask yourself, “Am I being respectful to others? Am I being respectful to myself?” If you can answer yes to both in regards to the situation in questions, then you are being assertive. Assertive communication is that easy.
Try it for yourself! Then comment below how it went!
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